Getting Back In the Game After A Relationship Goes South
by Jane Smith
Hi! Welcome to our saga in which I’ll toss some sacred knowledge your way – knowledge about how to make the transition from a long-ass relationship back to single life without losing your mind or committing some sort of crime. In other words – the transition of metaphorically going from a Granny Panties to a G-String state of mind. This applies to guys and girls, gay or straight. This is 2024 – that’s how we roll.
Now, the first thing you need to do when you’re tossed back into the cold, harsh realities of aloneness which include no cuddling, less random Tuesday morning before-work sex, and no cute late night tickling sessions is this: go out and get that book The Secret by that new age lady whatever her name is. Read it. Then put your intention to be happy and single out to the universe and – POOF! – like magic everything will be great. It’s so simple.
Not really people – don’t buy The Secret. Please. We all know this transition sucks and is hard as hell and no lame ass book will save you. And so that leads me to our first lesson:
Rule #1: Be Stupid and Forgiving
During this first phase of single life, you’re allowed to act pathetic and do stupid things. Hopefully you’re not taking up prostitution or macramé or anything so extreme – but truly, allow yourself to cry or listen to some emo ballads or whatever you need to do. I, for one, listened to a lot of Tegan and Sara (through tears) and allowed my friends to drag me to lame places like that cheesy club Butter in Manhattan (also through tears). It was awful and I loved every dumb second of it.
Just go with the flow, get through each day, and forgive yourself if you do stupid crap like dance on a table or cuss out a random dude just because he utters the word “Hi” to you. I may or may not have done these things. But really, this rule is important. You’re allowed to be dumb and lame and pathetic – but only briefly! Then you forgive yourself and move on. Just please try and hold onto one teensy shred of integrity if you can. If not – that’s cool too!
Rule #2: Get Drunk and Break Sh*t…
First: get drunk. Then choose whatever music is most likely to whip you into a frenzy (I chose Arcade Fire’s Neon Bible FYI, which sounds wimpy in retrospect but whatever). Break sh*t if you must, throw some clothes out the window for maximum dramatic effect, smash that bowl of bananas that’s browning in the fruit bowl, karate chop the couch, tear some papers – any papers – into shreds then fling them across the room like you’re a Transformer flinging a little tiny bunny, tear a poster you love off the wall and demolish it just because you can! It’s a sacrifice people – don’t hold back.
Once you’ve done these things you’ll probably pass out face down in the maimed mound of bananas with pieces of paper stuck in your hair and a bottle of booze as your cuddle companion. Fight the shame and pat yourself on the ass for letting your anger out in private without having the cops come. Take a shower. Be proud.
Rule #3: Go on a date without going postal
You’ve been parading around in your animal print g-strings. You’ve been slutty (literally or metaphorically – there is no judgment here). You’ve toyed with people’s emotions and noticed that this cruel yet exhilarating behavior has built up your shaky confidence. Good for you. Now it’s time to stop acting like a heartless coquette and get real. The goal of these rules isn’t to morph you into an evil sex villain. Keep your g-strings on though – you burned your granny panties. There is no turning back.
After a long relationship, going on a non-platonic date with a new person may feel… unsavory. You may have knee-jerk reactions like bailing on a date last minute by telling them you were kidnapped by armed bandits or that you were called to the Pentagon to deliver a very important speech. Don’t. First, talk to a new person in a normal way. Say “yes” to a date. Even if the word tastes like bile and bitter memories, say YES. Then get some date clothes. No sweats or ratty Birkenstocks (these items of clothing should be burned at the stake regardless of your relationship status).
Shimmy into your date clothes, breathe deeply, and don’t use the Pentagon speech excuse. Remind yourself this new person is not your ex, they’re not the enemy, and they could actually be a fun, interesting human being. They could also turn out to be a psycho stalker with a bad laugh, but forge ahead. It’s like quitting smoking, but the opposite. If you can just get through one date at a time without going postal, you’re doing real good. Go through with a few of these dates, remain calm, because you just might wind up sitting across from someone you actually like.
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